The Premise

This is a sample of the game story I am working on. Even if doesn’t have any kind of finality I hope it’s a good read. Comments and critiques about the writing style are more than welcomed.

The year is 1750 of the Nyarna legacy, the Eastern Sun looks upon the terran planet Lucarnia-Nyarna with great sympathy and rejoice, for its peace has stood throughout the whole era of the current families reign.

Lucarnians are one of the few remaining Polymorphers in the Universe, they shape-shift into their designated fredaemon, creatures that resemble the animals found on non-Polymorpher planets, only difference is that their primary ability is increased tenfold. Imagine a tiger that has augmented claw strength, an eagle that can see as far as the end of the world, a horse who can gallop with the speed of sound.

For order to be maintained fredaemons are assigned taking in consideration social status and family history, this law has been instated by the first king of the present dynasty, Nyarna Umbri. Before this approach, there was no criterion. Chaos was present for thousands of years, seldom legacies lasted more than a couple of days, until the Guardians came and reestablished order. Guardians are the Universes accountants, where there is too much chaos, peace is brought upon the land, and where there is too much peace chaos is unleashed for the amount of time necessary for balance to be present once again. This is the law by which all planets abide. Their plans are flawless, executed in darkness, each time success is guaranteed without the population’s knowledge of external meddling. It is best this way so that the Guardians remain incognito to the eyes of the Universes inhabitants. Their reasons for intervention are unknown, yet what is certain is that Lucarnia-Nyarna will be visited by them once more.

Creative Commons License
This work by Cristina Bradea is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.


8 responses to “The Premise

  1. To me the first paragraph is just meh. I’m not a writer so it is just my feeling on it. Most books I’ve read along these lines introduce some character you may see again later (foreshadowing?). I’d probably change it around to something like:

    The Eastern Sun warmed ‘s feline fur as he looked down upon the terran planet Lucarina-Nyrana with great sympathy and rejoice. The year is 1750 of the Nyarna legacy. For longer than the Lucarnian could remember, peace has stood throughout the era of the current family’s reign.

    I think this helps transition into the next paragraph where you mention the Lucarnians and move onto their fredeamon ability. To me, for some reason when there is no character mentioned, it sounds like you are reading a textbook.

    I really liked the 2nd paragraph. I got disappointed on the 3rd, though. Partly it was too long and hard to digest. I felt cheated out of the rest of what a ‘fredeamon’ is. Why are they so powerful? Are they agents of chaos and peace working for the Guardians? Do they battle each other in mortal combat or just stand aside if they come in contact with each other? I want to know more about what a ‘fredaemon’ is.

    You don’t necessarily have to give up all their secrets yet, but I still want to see more about them.

    The 3rd paragraph seems a bit jumbled. Without me rewriting the story to my own ideas, I can’t really tell you what I think about fixing this part. I don’t know if the Guardians assign the fredeamons their form. I am interested in finding out how the Guardians and fredaemons interact though. What is their relationship?

  2. I forgot I used greater than and less than signs and those are probably blocked in comments. So the first part read:

    The Eastern Sun warmed “some characters”’s feline fur as he…

  3. I’m not a writer myself, just trying to brush up on various skills such as expressing in a coherent manner creative ideas.

    Thank you for the feedback, it doesn’t matter that you are not a writer, it’s important that people who read a story to be immersed and their interested being kept.

  4. Well, I didn’t look like I said it directly. The fact is that I really do like the beginning. It started me thinking of many different possible scenarios. I think you have something interesting started.

  5. off-topic… what’s with the tiny smiley on the top right part of the blog?

    p.s. văd că ai fost hărnicuţă colega!

  6. well, it’s a start. I’m working at a project too. adica , mai pe romaneste, ma chinui de vreo 2 luni cu un proiect personal (cica ii zice “joc”, nu stiu de ce :)), cu inca un prieten.bine, n-am trecut de faza de hartie… adica amandoi ne pricepem la cod (bine, mai mult yo), insa la poveste nimeni… asta era ca fapt divers, doar asa sa nu te simti “singura pe lume” (adica sa crezi ca doar tu lucrezi la un joc ~x).
    aaa, mi-am amintit, cand ti-am vazut avataru’: ai scris cumva in LEVEL? caci daca da, shame on me, caci nu-mi aduc aminte. si inca ceva (pentru care sper sa nu te superi, e prima vizita), scuze de offtopic.
    mult succes in continuare si o sa mai trec p aici, am fost placut surprins!

    P.S.: god dammit!! i gotta find a storyline…

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